Slowly down again

In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time.

-- Leonardo da Vinci  

The river rises and it falls. I wish it revealed more, changed more things. Water movement means change. I think that is universal. We wait to see what it will do.

Just the bush this time because this one little bush shows the change in the river better than the long shots anyway. It is hard to see  in the first photo, but the bush is about 10 inches from being submerged, however in the subsequent pictures you can easily see that is not the case. It will reappear and then with the next rain it will begin to disappear under the water again. 

January 23, 2016

January 24, 2016

January 25, 2016

Slow rise

Any river is really the summation of the whole valley. To think of it as nothing but water is to ignore the greater part. — (Hal Borland, This Hill, This Valley)

This valley did, at one time, flood. It is part of the natural cycle here. It is what made the soil rich and fertile. But it was inconvenient. So levees and dams were put in place to control it. But the truth is one cannot stop water, and it is infinitely patient. Every once in a while it reminds us of that. 

January 21, 2016

 

January 22, 2016

January 21, 2016

January 22, 2016

 

River update

Here, on the river's verge, I could be busy for months without changing my place, simply leaning a little more to right or left.

Paul Cezanne

Every morning I have a routine: I get up, make coffee, feed the cats, feed the dog, and then Chalupa and I go for a walk so that he can do his business and I can see what is going on in the yard. I pull a few weeds, make some mental notes. But I always stand on this same bank and watch the river flow by. It is never the same. Higher or lower, brown after a storm, a perfect mirror some mornings, others choppy because the wind is up. It renews my spirit. Then we walk back to the house, I pull a few more weeds, do a bit of pruning, on and on. With a large yard it never stops. But the river flows by completely unaware of me, or anything that is going on. After all it is the river, it is busy doing what the river does, reminding me that I am just a small part of what is going on. 

Between storms, January 18, 2016

Windy, January 19, 2016

Foggy, January 20, 2016

The water is this high, The bush is reflected in the water and I am standing on the bank. January 20, 2016

Rain, Rain, Come on down.

It's a relief to hear the rain. It's the sound of billions of drops, all equal, all equally committed to falling, like a sudden outbreak of democracy. Water, when it hits the ground, instantly becomes a puddle or rivulet or flood.

Alice Oswald

I love the rain. Even knowing that it can mean a flood where I live, I still love the rain. I think it is because I am so tuned in to the plants and animals around me. I can feel them shouting "Yes, yes, yes! 

Living on a river means that the rain changes it too. It is not so much the rain right here, but the rain that falls in Northern California, and the way the streams, creeks, small rivers feed the Sacramento River, and the American River. Eventually it rises. Most of the time it rises a little, sometimes it rises a lot, and occasionally it rises over the banks and surrounds the house with water. This year because of the drought I believe we are safe. but I will be posting the rise here, and on my FB Page.  Yesterday first, and today, second at about 8 am.  And yes, that is a tree floating by in the second shot. 3/4 of it is probably under water. 

Breakthroughs Afoot

I don't know about all of you, but 2015 has been a hell of a year, with a few more challenges than usual. I am not going to go into the long list, boring.

But Tomorrow, I have the opportunity to get my CDL back. Driving test only at 10:00 am. I am more than ready. I have found however that I don't miss driving all that much, I do miss the freedom.

So today, no quote, no image just a hopeful announcement.

M

Life at the Lemonade Stand Part 2

Things don't just happen in this world of arising and passing away. We don't live in some kind of crazy, accidental universe. Things happen according to certain laws, laws of nature. Laws such as the law of karma, which teaches us that as a certain seed gets planted, so will that fruit be. 

--Sharon Salzberg

If you believe in Karma, or even entertain the idea that it is possible given the way that physics works with laws of energy, then you eventually arrive at the conclusion that you and I are responsible for everything that happens to us in our lives. 

So this whole situation I find myself in with my drivers license is about something that I set in motion at some point in time. Hard to swallow sometimes.

Yesterday at church I found myself in a conversation with another church member who reminded me that Karma is released when you forgive the person "responsible" and of course forgive yourself. 

Tomorrow, June 30, at 10 am, I am going in for a Waking Maintenance Test. 40 minutes in a room with low light, no noise, no distractions, nothing to do. The object being to see how long I can stay awake. Then I have a two hour break, the the 40 minute test, two hour break, 40 minute test, two hour break, 40 minute test. with all the monitoring in place so I cannot leave the building to go for a walk. I have to bring food, and something to do. By the time it is all said and done I will be done around 6 pm.  My Friend Patricia is giving me a ride to and I am having ParaTransit come and get me.

Today my background "noise" is about forgiveness. tomorrow my thoughts will be about forgiveness. What I really want is my drivers license back, so if it means forgiving someone to do it, and since God is watching it has to be real, then I have some emotional and mental work to keep my mind busy tomorrow. 

To be continued ...

Doodles

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.- Anais Nin

  

I think Anais Nin hits it on the head. I certainly don't realize that is what I am doing most times, but none-the-less I think it is true. The first thing I remember drawing was in Kindergarten. I divided a piece of paper by folding it in half long ways and short ways, then corner to corner. For a long time I colored the areas created by doing this right around the rainbow, mind you there were only 6 colors that I understood then. I  remember coloring all the areas, just not sure exactly what I did about those two extra areas. 

By the time I was in 6th grade, I was aware I could draw, and that I enjoyed being creative and moved away from the pure geometry to drawing what I saw, or interpreting what I saw.

The geometric designs are doodles from sitting listening to the phone ring when I call farmers and ranchers at work. As simple as they are, when you divide them into 30 second blocks they take about a week. The first one, begat the second one, and it is easy to see the similarity. The third design, which is much more organic, is based on what bled through the paper from the second one. It took a while to create, but again, 30 seconds at a time and drawing on breaks. Black ink and felt tip pens.

The two landscape drawings are from Two Day Town In Livermore at the end of April. Drawing and listening to music. For an artist there are few things better. The first one is pencil and ink, the second is just pencil. The orange kitty is for my friend Patrica who has kindly taken me to doctors appointments, picked me up for church. and listened to me bitch about the Drivers License situation. This is a mixed media piece of Black ink, felt tip pens and colored pencil. As you can tell it combines geometric design with rendering. 

How does this tie into the quote? Well, I tend to look at the world and see patterns, and patterns use geometry for cohesive repetition. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a predictable result. I try to be creative in a somewhat predictable way. 

Life at the Lemonade Stand

Cracked Painted Board
April 2015

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

-- Hermann Hesse

Blue Glass Building, May 2015

Pealing Paint, May 2015

Everyone reaches a point in time when letting go is more important than hanging on. Who I should have been is replaced by who I am. Who I could have been and what I could have done is replaced by what am I doing and what can I do in this moment. What would I have done "If" is being replaced by what will I do or what am I willing to do. 

The shoulds continue to bite at my heals and at some point I have to stare that dog down and stop letting my past nip away at my present. 

Loosing my license has not been fun. but it has brought with it surprising gifts: More time with friends, more time in my garden. Lots less stress. I am experiencing saying "NO" instead of thinking I should say "YES" to every request that comes my way. 

I am feeling profoundly grateful. 

When Life gives you Lemons ...

I've learned in my life that it's important to be able to step outside your comfort zone and be challenged with something you're not familiar or accustomed to. That challenge will allow you to see what you can do.

J. R. Martinez

Sorry for the long absence. On Friday 13th in February, I had to see a neurologist to rule out that my extreme drowsiness, in particular when I am driving, was related to my seizure disorder. Most people don't even know I have a seizure disorder. I have not had a seizure in about 14 years. Better living through Pharmaceuticals.

"Chain link and its shadow" march 2015

 

My doctor, who is a great gal, was erring on the side of caution. The neurologist, confirmed that the drowsiness was NOT related to my seizure disorder, then proceed to tell me he was going to report my falling asleep at the wheel to the DMV. Well, I knew this would mean loosing my license for a while. I reminded him I was NOT falling asleep while driving, but was just getting more drowsy than I would like. I told him I thought it was related to my sleep apnea, or possibly my diet. When I told him "you realize I will probably loose my license" He looked right at me and said "Oh well, that's the way it goes." He said if they sent me a letter to come back and see me. Not a chance I will do that. Then he gave me a lab sheet for blood work including a test for narcolepsy. They are looking for a genetic marker. Bet you didn't know that narcolepsy runs in families? I had all the lab work sent to my regular doctor and my sleep doctor. We are still waiting for the results of the narcolepsy test. 

But nothing can be done until we can PROVE that I am not falling asleep when I drive. I have to take my drivers test, AGAIN. This will be the third time in my life. I had my license suspended when I found out I had seizures in 1995. 4.5 years. Closer to public transportation, it was easier then. I was 20 years younger.

The paper work came about a month or so ago, and the wording keeps me from having to go back to the neurologist. They wanted it filled out by the doctor most familiar with my medical history, which rules out the neurologist. He saw me for 20 minutes, and made a decision based on some reflex tests.

I saw the sleep doctor asap, and we doubled my CPAP Pressure. He has to read the CPAP chip to see how well that change is working. Then I will probably go in for another expensive sleep test, followed by a waking test to see if I can stay awake while sitting in a chair doing nothing. The DMV website indicates a minimum of 3 months to resolve this. I turned in one set of paperwork to the DMV from my regular doctor showing we are working on the issue, but we could not stop the suspension of my license - on the 23rd of March I stopped driving. 

My doctor in her wisdom set me up with a therapist to see for a while. I am angry about the whole thing and it is spilling over into other things, and affecting my ability to concentrate. 

Now, that would be enough to stress most people out. But NOOOOOOO. I ended up in emergency with heart palpitations at the beginning of February. BEFORE I saw the Neurologist. I have had heart tests and am going in for a sonogram this Wednesday, with the test results on April 8. On March 4 I ran a red light at a camera intersection. I am waiting for my taxes to pay that. 

And on the last two days before my driving privileges were revoked my car started acting up, and is in the shop, hopefully having a failed sensor replaced. The part has been in the car three months. Luckily I don't need the car, lol. 

Now for the up side: My landlord, Fred, gives me a ride to work or the bus every day. We live 3 miles from the nearest bus stop. I live on a Levee road with no shoulders or I would ride my bike. Maybe, if my one bad knee could handle the exercise. Either he or his wife, Clara, pick me up at the closest bus stop. On Thursday nights my friend, Carol, picks me up at work. I stop and get a few groceries. My friend Patricia from church is giving me rides to medical appointments. Life is working. I am really taking time to be grateful for friends who are willing to spend time to do these things. There are things I cannot do, and life is not as spontaneous as before. But it is a bit less stressful. I can't go anywhere without assistance. I think all life's problems provide an opportunity to work on an issue. I am not good at asking for help, now I have no choice. I was over-committing myself, now I have to say no. 

All in all I realize there is an opportunity for growth, a chance to explore other means of transportation and to see other parts of Sacramento that I would normally not see. Life is a game, and part of the fun is negotiating obstacles and challenges. 

Perfect timing since Easter is about Rebirth. Hop, Hop!

My privilege

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Joseph Campbell

This is the third time I have done this blog. This one blog. I think the ones that didn't have the right message have been abandoning ship. NO pictures or artwork for this one. I didn't have my cell phone with me which is why I was where I was in the first place. There are no accidents. 

I am aware that I have the privilege of living in a beautiful place, having a job I enjoy. And having friends that help me out. I can only hope to return the favor. I have a talent that I can use to the benefit of my church, and the causes I want to help with.  My passion for gardening allows me to help other people create gardens that can reach their potential. 

I continue to talk in this blog about how grateful I am, because everyday something happens that reminds me that I am in the perfect place, at the perfect time, doing exactly what I need to be doing, even when I think I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today I discovered a tunnel under the freeway on the west side of Macy's that leads to Old Town Sacramento. It was built that way, there are signs. I left my cell phone at my friend Loras this weekend and Lora and I were meeting across from the Holiday Inn, in downtown Sac, and I wasn't sure what that meant. In the process of circumventing the hotel, I discovered the tunnel. I must take a walk with the little dog and see where it leads, how far the walk is and what is over there. 

Discovery and adventure are a privilege.