Breakthroughs Afoot

I don't know about all of you, but 2015 has been a hell of a year, with a few more challenges than usual. I am not going to go into the long list, boring.

But Tomorrow, I have the opportunity to get my CDL back. Driving test only at 10:00 am. I am more than ready. I have found however that I don't miss driving all that much, I do miss the freedom.

So today, no quote, no image just a hopeful announcement.

M

Life at the Lemonade Stand Part 2

Things don't just happen in this world of arising and passing away. We don't live in some kind of crazy, accidental universe. Things happen according to certain laws, laws of nature. Laws such as the law of karma, which teaches us that as a certain seed gets planted, so will that fruit be. 

--Sharon Salzberg

If you believe in Karma, or even entertain the idea that it is possible given the way that physics works with laws of energy, then you eventually arrive at the conclusion that you and I are responsible for everything that happens to us in our lives. 

So this whole situation I find myself in with my drivers license is about something that I set in motion at some point in time. Hard to swallow sometimes.

Yesterday at church I found myself in a conversation with another church member who reminded me that Karma is released when you forgive the person "responsible" and of course forgive yourself. 

Tomorrow, June 30, at 10 am, I am going in for a Waking Maintenance Test. 40 minutes in a room with low light, no noise, no distractions, nothing to do. The object being to see how long I can stay awake. Then I have a two hour break, the the 40 minute test, two hour break, 40 minute test, two hour break, 40 minute test. with all the monitoring in place so I cannot leave the building to go for a walk. I have to bring food, and something to do. By the time it is all said and done I will be done around 6 pm.  My Friend Patricia is giving me a ride to and I am having ParaTransit come and get me.

Today my background "noise" is about forgiveness. tomorrow my thoughts will be about forgiveness. What I really want is my drivers license back, so if it means forgiving someone to do it, and since God is watching it has to be real, then I have some emotional and mental work to keep my mind busy tomorrow. 

To be continued ...

Doodles

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.- Anais Nin

  

I think Anais Nin hits it on the head. I certainly don't realize that is what I am doing most times, but none-the-less I think it is true. The first thing I remember drawing was in Kindergarten. I divided a piece of paper by folding it in half long ways and short ways, then corner to corner. For a long time I colored the areas created by doing this right around the rainbow, mind you there were only 6 colors that I understood then. I  remember coloring all the areas, just not sure exactly what I did about those two extra areas. 

By the time I was in 6th grade, I was aware I could draw, and that I enjoyed being creative and moved away from the pure geometry to drawing what I saw, or interpreting what I saw.

The geometric designs are doodles from sitting listening to the phone ring when I call farmers and ranchers at work. As simple as they are, when you divide them into 30 second blocks they take about a week. The first one, begat the second one, and it is easy to see the similarity. The third design, which is much more organic, is based on what bled through the paper from the second one. It took a while to create, but again, 30 seconds at a time and drawing on breaks. Black ink and felt tip pens.

The two landscape drawings are from Two Day Town In Livermore at the end of April. Drawing and listening to music. For an artist there are few things better. The first one is pencil and ink, the second is just pencil. The orange kitty is for my friend Patrica who has kindly taken me to doctors appointments, picked me up for church. and listened to me bitch about the Drivers License situation. This is a mixed media piece of Black ink, felt tip pens and colored pencil. As you can tell it combines geometric design with rendering. 

How does this tie into the quote? Well, I tend to look at the world and see patterns, and patterns use geometry for cohesive repetition. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a predictable result. I try to be creative in a somewhat predictable way. 

Life at the Lemonade Stand

Cracked Painted Board
April 2015

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

-- Hermann Hesse

Blue Glass Building, May 2015

Pealing Paint, May 2015

Everyone reaches a point in time when letting go is more important than hanging on. Who I should have been is replaced by who I am. Who I could have been and what I could have done is replaced by what am I doing and what can I do in this moment. What would I have done "If" is being replaced by what will I do or what am I willing to do. 

The shoulds continue to bite at my heals and at some point I have to stare that dog down and stop letting my past nip away at my present. 

Loosing my license has not been fun. but it has brought with it surprising gifts: More time with friends, more time in my garden. Lots less stress. I am experiencing saying "NO" instead of thinking I should say "YES" to every request that comes my way. 

I am feeling profoundly grateful. 

When Life gives you Lemons ...

I've learned in my life that it's important to be able to step outside your comfort zone and be challenged with something you're not familiar or accustomed to. That challenge will allow you to see what you can do.

J. R. Martinez

Sorry for the long absence. On Friday 13th in February, I had to see a neurologist to rule out that my extreme drowsiness, in particular when I am driving, was related to my seizure disorder. Most people don't even know I have a seizure disorder. I have not had a seizure in about 14 years. Better living through Pharmaceuticals.

"Chain link and its shadow" march 2015

 

My doctor, who is a great gal, was erring on the side of caution. The neurologist, confirmed that the drowsiness was NOT related to my seizure disorder, then proceed to tell me he was going to report my falling asleep at the wheel to the DMV. Well, I knew this would mean loosing my license for a while. I reminded him I was NOT falling asleep while driving, but was just getting more drowsy than I would like. I told him I thought it was related to my sleep apnea, or possibly my diet. When I told him "you realize I will probably loose my license" He looked right at me and said "Oh well, that's the way it goes." He said if they sent me a letter to come back and see me. Not a chance I will do that. Then he gave me a lab sheet for blood work including a test for narcolepsy. They are looking for a genetic marker. Bet you didn't know that narcolepsy runs in families? I had all the lab work sent to my regular doctor and my sleep doctor. We are still waiting for the results of the narcolepsy test. 

But nothing can be done until we can PROVE that I am not falling asleep when I drive. I have to take my drivers test, AGAIN. This will be the third time in my life. I had my license suspended when I found out I had seizures in 1995. 4.5 years. Closer to public transportation, it was easier then. I was 20 years younger.

The paper work came about a month or so ago, and the wording keeps me from having to go back to the neurologist. They wanted it filled out by the doctor most familiar with my medical history, which rules out the neurologist. He saw me for 20 minutes, and made a decision based on some reflex tests.

I saw the sleep doctor asap, and we doubled my CPAP Pressure. He has to read the CPAP chip to see how well that change is working. Then I will probably go in for another expensive sleep test, followed by a waking test to see if I can stay awake while sitting in a chair doing nothing. The DMV website indicates a minimum of 3 months to resolve this. I turned in one set of paperwork to the DMV from my regular doctor showing we are working on the issue, but we could not stop the suspension of my license - on the 23rd of March I stopped driving. 

My doctor in her wisdom set me up with a therapist to see for a while. I am angry about the whole thing and it is spilling over into other things, and affecting my ability to concentrate. 

Now, that would be enough to stress most people out. But NOOOOOOO. I ended up in emergency with heart palpitations at the beginning of February. BEFORE I saw the Neurologist. I have had heart tests and am going in for a sonogram this Wednesday, with the test results on April 8. On March 4 I ran a red light at a camera intersection. I am waiting for my taxes to pay that. 

And on the last two days before my driving privileges were revoked my car started acting up, and is in the shop, hopefully having a failed sensor replaced. The part has been in the car three months. Luckily I don't need the car, lol. 

Now for the up side: My landlord, Fred, gives me a ride to work or the bus every day. We live 3 miles from the nearest bus stop. I live on a Levee road with no shoulders or I would ride my bike. Maybe, if my one bad knee could handle the exercise. Either he or his wife, Clara, pick me up at the closest bus stop. On Thursday nights my friend, Carol, picks me up at work. I stop and get a few groceries. My friend Patricia from church is giving me rides to medical appointments. Life is working. I am really taking time to be grateful for friends who are willing to spend time to do these things. There are things I cannot do, and life is not as spontaneous as before. But it is a bit less stressful. I can't go anywhere without assistance. I think all life's problems provide an opportunity to work on an issue. I am not good at asking for help, now I have no choice. I was over-committing myself, now I have to say no. 

All in all I realize there is an opportunity for growth, a chance to explore other means of transportation and to see other parts of Sacramento that I would normally not see. Life is a game, and part of the fun is negotiating obstacles and challenges. 

Perfect timing since Easter is about Rebirth. Hop, Hop!

My privilege

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Joseph Campbell

This is the third time I have done this blog. This one blog. I think the ones that didn't have the right message have been abandoning ship. NO pictures or artwork for this one. I didn't have my cell phone with me which is why I was where I was in the first place. There are no accidents. 

I am aware that I have the privilege of living in a beautiful place, having a job I enjoy. And having friends that help me out. I can only hope to return the favor. I have a talent that I can use to the benefit of my church, and the causes I want to help with.  My passion for gardening allows me to help other people create gardens that can reach their potential. 

I continue to talk in this blog about how grateful I am, because everyday something happens that reminds me that I am in the perfect place, at the perfect time, doing exactly what I need to be doing, even when I think I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today I discovered a tunnel under the freeway on the west side of Macy's that leads to Old Town Sacramento. It was built that way, there are signs. I left my cell phone at my friend Loras this weekend and Lora and I were meeting across from the Holiday Inn, in downtown Sac, and I wasn't sure what that meant. In the process of circumventing the hotel, I discovered the tunnel. I must take a walk with the little dog and see where it leads, how far the walk is and what is over there. 

Discovery and adventure are a privilege. 

Gratitude

To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

Bertrand Russell

Life has it's moments. Good days and bad, smooth roads and bumpy passages, minor challenges and and huge obstacles, times of still water and smooth sailing. I love this quote, it really speaks to my life. I do without things that most people would balk at. 

Out the back door

But I live here. 

For every bad day, bumpy passage,huge obstacle or patch of still water, I can walk out my back door and look at the river. I close my eyes and hear more birds than I can name. I listen to the quail.  I have a pair of great horned owls that live in our neighborhood: they roost in OUR trees. Every night Orion is out my front door. In the summer, most nights there is a cool delta breeze. I have a garden that feeds my soul. I have ample space to be creative. I have a variety of wonderful people in my life, a job I love, and a wonderful landlord who is also my friend. 

I don't have a lot of fancy stuff and gadgets, and life is hard sometimes because I choose to do without a full time job ( I have stopped looking: exercise in futility ). If I had it all, I would be bored.

But I live here, and I am so very grateful. 

The Power of Friendship

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.

Jim Morrison

Medusa Sun 2015

My friend Q and I met in a life drawing class at Diablo Valley College in Pleasant Hill California. We had been looking at each others work for a couple of classes, and one day I was at an easel behind her, and commented that I wished I had a style like hers. She said "I wish I could draw like you." We have been friends ever since. Q introduced me to Prisma Color Pencils and a lot of other things for which I am eternally grateful. I have never looked back. I have tried other mediums, but I prefer to work with point media: pencils, ink. And mixed media felt tip pens, watercolor washes but all with a point media for detal. This sun is Prisma Color marker, Prisma pencils, Farber Castille brush point markers, and Micron Pigma Black pens. 

When we first met, in our early twenties, one of the things we did was take off in one of our Bugs (We both had VW Bugs) and go drawing. Q's style is much flatter than mine, and when we would sit down and draw the same view or the same still life you could tell it was the same thing but the styles were 180 degrees apart. She really opened my eyes to looking at the world in a different way. Then, one of the tools she used was this round point drawing and caligraphy pen: the ink was in a cartridge that you changed when it ran out. Very fluid and sometimes very messy because they would occasionally leak. We would draw straight onto the paper. It required really being in tune with what you were drawing, and really paying attention. It also required being able to adjust away from absolute reality when things drifted a bit and creating the scene to fit. I don't use that kind of pen anymore, but I still like to go out and draw what is in front of me, with a pen, because it is a form of meditation. 

For my birthday this year She gave me this amazing bracelet. This is the Thank You card I am sending to her. Thank you for everything else as well, Q. Meeting you changed my life in the best way. 

Spring is here, or at least it feels like it.

"The more a woman likes her job, the better her self-image and the more she enjoys her life."

Grace Baruch

I have actually had a lot of jobs I have enjoyed. But the ones I have liked the most are the ones that have to do with creativity & art, and gardening, plants & animals. AND they seem to be interchangeable. I would rather spend time in the garden than almost anything else. Surrounded by life and growing things, Inside when I am drawing, or creating, to me it is growing something. I am creating an image from a little seed all the way through to the full grown final image. And sometimes I start withe something familiar, and it changes and becomes its own unique image. this sun is a good 

 example of that. The sun images go way back to when I was in high school. Most of them were full frontal faces and then I did a Sun and Moon image with this half profile and the front view combined. It turned into a signature image and the varieties have been endless. 

So right now one of the things that is good is I have an interesting job, that I enjoy doing. I am making a concerted effort to do artwork in the morning again -- putting some of the other things on the back burner, and I am getting ready to put in the 2015 vegetable garden. Life feels wonderful and I hope it goes on for a long time. 

Letting go

"Man should not consider his material possessions his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need."

-- Thomas Aquinas

I have, over my life, created quite a bit of artwork. I have given half of it away. It has always seemed the right thing to do. I will barter, but most of the time if a good friend really likes a piece, then they get to take it home. The other half of my work is sitting in flat files and under my bed, or in large boxes. I have of late been trying to send thank you notes that are hand drawn. That is what this series of suns are. Thank you notes to good friends. 

Citrus Sun

Duality Sun

Each one is different. I don't over think them and I don't spend 60 hours on them, but I do try to make them clean and concise. 

***

Recently I had an epiphany about material possessions that is going to allow me to start relieving myself of a few unessential items. Now anyone who has been to my house knows that I have a lot of ... STUFF. Collectables, glass bottles, Chotkies everywhere. A lot of family and sentimental items. Jewelry goes on and on. I collect stuff to use in reuse projects. I am so far behind on projects that it is depressing and that is exactly what it is doing: depressing me. So I am going to start liquidating the collection. I am anticipating freedom. 

Well, OK, so where have I been?

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao Tzu

Flower Sun 15-1

I think that perhaps realizing change is necessary and really acting on it requires a certain type of person. Most of the time we are forced to change by circumstances or events beyond our control. But one of the things this quote addresses is we often end up exactly were we planned to go, but not where we want to go. We end up in places from habit, not from intent. That would be me. A life of habit. Now, however, I am making an effort to live with intent and it is a bit messy. That is one of the things I believe about change: Change is messy. It requires sorting, discarding and reorganizing. Change involves giving away, and letting go. 

So I have been addressing the things that do not work, the things that do, and making some decisions about what I am going to do with the remainder of my life. I had to change direction or I was going to end up where I was heading. I was heading towards not having accomplished a couple of my personal goals. I have decided I would rather be more successful than that. So I am going back to posting the blog once a week, with a scan of what ever artwork I have completed. 

I have a new job that I like, and that I hope I will have until I choose not to work any more. I have friends I like, I live in an amazing place. My animals are healthy, I am more or less healthy myself. Age catches up with us all, lets leave it at that. I have been doing some course work through the local Scientology Mission, and found it to be really helpful in determining ways to change direction. And no it is not a cult. Self-Realization Fellowship is the spiritual and religious avenue I had been looking for. I actually get to do Graphic Design for them in addition to finding peace and joy from the spiritual practice. And  I work in the kitchen on Sundays and for any event we have. Life is good. I just want to tweek the direction a little bit. 

Happy New Year